CrossFit Anonymous

“Hello, my name is Carl D and I’m a CrossFitter.”

(The small flat-shoed, meat-eating group seated in front of me raise their callused and blistered hands for a moment to wave and say, “Hello, Carl!”)

“CrossFit betters my life. I need it. Everyday. When I’m not at the gym training athletes or in the garage training myself, I’m online reading about it; how to be, do, train and teach like one of the best.

I would talk to my friends about it, but they think I’m crazy. So I found new friends. CrossFit friends. And we talk about it. Breathe it. Live it. All the time.

We are CrossFit and proud.

As a kid, I ran and jumped on everything. My family damn-near hated me for it. My mom still yells about the hand prints on the walls and footprints on the ceiling. After college sports, martial arts, and some boxing, I searched for something more, something to keep me challenged and found parkour.

Now as an adult, I was running, jumping, and climbing on everything again. But I needed to be stronger, faster, more flexible and agile. That’s when I found the CrossFit website. That’s when everything changed.

I mean, I always loved fitness; being, feeling, looking fit. But CrossFit turned my love into an obsession. An addiction. Angie was my first girl. She hurt me and left me laying in a puddle of sweat, beaten and abused. I wanted — needed — more. Fran on Day One of the Level One certification. ‘Nuff said.

I was in love.

I heart me some pain. Always have. CrossFit gives me more than I could ever ask for. I like chasing goats and setting PRs. Now girls named Nicole and Cindy give me butterflies. Murph, D.T. and Kalsu have replaced Michael Jordan as my heroes. My heart skips a beat when I think about squat cleans. I love a good snatch, and chuckle to myself, or my CrossFit friends, when I mention just how much.

Jumping, running, and lifting will always be my first loves. Doin’ them all at once FAST AND FOR TIME turns me on like never before. Mmm, CrossFit.

CrossFit is love; pain and pleasure, good and bad. It brings out the best and worst of me. I have fitness A.D.D. I want to be good at everything, and that everything is constantly changing, evolving, and becoming more.

My body looks and feels great from lifting heavier and harder than ever before. I am the machine; the hybrid of a finely-tuned Hemi-engine wrapped-up tightly inside an all-terrain sport-utility vehicle. Fueling my efforts  with meats, vegetables, nuts and seeds, some fruits, no sugars or starches, and lots and lots of water. And coffee. Mmm. Coffee…”

(The small crowd has fallen asleep.)

“So yeah — I’m a freakin’ CrossFitter. An addict. Who’s gonna stop me? You?

Go ahead. Try me. I dare you.“

The 2-Minute Defense Sweat Angel.

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